The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
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Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
😏😏😏
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying