Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.

I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

How to parallel park:

1) Park somewhere else.

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?

Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.

[Interview]

Me: I really need the paycheck

Him: This is an unpaid internship.

Me: Do you provide snacks?

Him: Um, yes

Me: Keep going…

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*

[break-in]

BURGLAR: [cracks safe]

COP: Not so fast, kiddo

BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?

All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *