The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
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Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.