The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
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Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Why soy sad?
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅Just ticking off my bucket list.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.