Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?

store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower

me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet

Woke up against my better judgment again

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

My doctor says I only have one diabete.

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now

me: ok what do you want

my kid: you have to guess

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.

look scared

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

*steals all the clocks*

*has all the time in the world*

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.