The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
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WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Gods work.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Duolingo getting serious.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail