The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
You Might Also Like
i made a craigslist ad !
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.