The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
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Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”