The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
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Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.