The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
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Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced