The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
You Might Also Like
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
pizza
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
congratulations to them
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty