Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.

If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

she has a smile full of sesame seeds

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance