@miniwheats2012

The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

him, on one knee: will you marry me

her: OMG

onlookers: say yes! say yes!!

me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far

@TigNotaro

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

@WilliamRodgers

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

@slimmy_shady

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

@Marlebean

My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!

@UnfilteredMama

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

@OreoSpeedwagon_

Never judge Darth Vader’s parenting abilities harshly when we live in a world where Toddlers In Tiaras exists.

@rickolantern

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

@anerdonfire2

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

@cravin4

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory