I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
You Might Also Like
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Home is where your toilet is.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets