him, on one knee: will you marry me
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand
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I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Never judge Darth Vader’s parenting abilities harshly when we live in a world where Toddlers In Tiaras exists.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory