@miniwheats2012

The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand

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@LostFelicia

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

@MrSandeepP

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

@HiddleDeeDee

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

@pmclellan

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

@pilau

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

@DanMentos

*guy bumps my shoulder*
“You’re lucky this isn’t the Internet pal”

@Jmboyd58

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

@ShortSleeveSuit

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

@PhilJamesson

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

@GrahamKritzer

Harper Lee: This is the worst writer’s block I’ve ever had

Mockingbird: Oh big surprise you stupid idiot

Harper Lee: *eyes narrowing*