The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand
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Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
*guy bumps my shoulder*
“You’re lucky this isn’t the Internet pal”
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Harper Lee: This is the worst writer’s block I’ve ever had
Mockingbird: Oh big surprise you stupid idiot
Harper Lee: *eyes narrowing*