The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand

You Might Also Like


The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.


Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.


7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.


I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.


her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it


*guy bumps my shoulder*
“You’re lucky this isn’t the Internet pal”


*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”


WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*


Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]


Harper Lee: This is the worst writer’s block I’ve ever had

Mockingbird: Oh big surprise you stupid idiot

Harper Lee: *eyes narrowing*