The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
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You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway