Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…

Satan: *nodding*

Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?

Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??

Me: (through tears) so creative

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?

Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.