Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

i would wish you the best but i am the best

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

next level snooze

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.