Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?

my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.

Me: Wow! What were you?

Toddler: Godzilla!

Me: And what was your friend?

Toddler: Scared!

[Quiz show]

Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”

Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”

Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”

Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”

As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here

Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.