Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my cartoon in the New Yorker this week

We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch

How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

Horrifying if literal: shit storm

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.

In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.

How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*

How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

Person: *yelling at me*

Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better

Person: *abruptly shutting up*

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.