@WineMummy

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

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@GirlRestrained

Hahaha stupid person… When it says 55mph it really means 64mph………Idiot turtle person

@platinum2000

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

@DirtMcTurd

when someone pisses you off start counting down from 10. When you get to 8 punch them in the throat, they will never expect it.

@Annoyedworld

I broke my arm when I was a kid, my Dad carried me ten miles to the hospital, he has cancer, so that’s why my tattoo is hot nurse.

-LA Ink.

@_steamy_mac

I’ve been trying to start my truck with my house key since 7am this morning, there’s no way I’m gonna stop now.

@Piecezilla

Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.

@DaddyJew

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: usually to my kids to just please go to sleep for the love of God

Judge: *wiping away a tear* I can respect that, case dismissed

@Hipster_wife_

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

@Kamikaze_Blonde

Sure your baby’s cute but have you ever seen a chihuahua with the hiccups?