The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
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ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I have no passwords left in me
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.