What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
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Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.