Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

“I’m really good in bed”

-Ice cream

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

me hooking up with my ex

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

Living every minute with impostor syndrome anxiety, dreading the day the other librarians discover I don’t have any cats or any cardigans.

Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

Me: *no longer going in for a kiss* I’m so sorry, I think I misread this scenario

My driving instructor: no worries brother

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.