The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
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Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.