The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
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asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible