The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
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I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
She was REALLY feeling it.
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
This is enough internet for the day.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.