Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!

Australia: no need to, we’re good

Doctors texting each other.

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.