Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks

Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

Breaking news:

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

Always stretch before playing billiards or you might pool a muscle

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–

–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?

–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.

😬

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse

I don’t o u anything!

– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’