The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
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her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
SF is the wild wild west man
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.