BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
You Might Also Like
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*
*quarter falls out*
Funny how shampoo bottles weigh like, 2 pounds in real life, but when dropped in the shower they turn into a meteor.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
[text from wife]
I want a divorce
Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!
Haha, April fools
When people tell me I’m intimidating, I generally just glare at them until they take it back.
The term “mentally ill” is reserved for white people. Brown people are called terrorists. Black people are called thugs.