Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons

Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

Mornin

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.