Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

Breaking news:

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.

According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.