The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
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Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up