the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
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Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
sugar glider wrangler
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…