the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
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Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I bet birds love this building.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.