the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
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My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
