[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
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[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever