Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.

I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.

me: what is it boy?

my stomach: brrrggfkppr

me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?

my stomach: hrrrbbb

me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that

BARBER: wow how much did you eat

I think this should do it.

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…

Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.

Writer: No.

Disney: Just her mom?

Writer: No.

Disney: Her dad?

Writer: No.

Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?

Writer: Nobody dies!

Disney: Get out.

The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo