The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
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inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?