The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
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[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?