Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist

Anyway, thought of you

Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.

They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

🎉🥳

Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”

Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat

If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

saw that musical. didn’t care for it.

Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”

Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.