Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

Me: What did you do at school today?

My kid: Nothing.

School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

*serious situation*

My brain:

ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*

Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!

My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.