Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

not to brag, but mine was free

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run

me: I call shotgun

shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep

that’s just… not what monogamy means??

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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