Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*

Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”

Not paying bills.

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.

Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.

whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.

Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.

Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.

On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other