The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
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This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
just gave your address to some spiders
That’s fair
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Just added something to my bucket list.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.