Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”

-nobody

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

I put the I in Insufferable.

The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo