The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
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I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.