Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!

In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.

“LOL, NOPE”

-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).

i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged

ㅤ

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

philosophical skeletons be like

Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me