Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alexa; make it look like an accident

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME:

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

those birds must be on payroll

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

When customers come in 6 hours before closing

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….

….idiot….

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.