Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…

[Chapstick Season]

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

Do one person every day that scares you.

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.

Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”