The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
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After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
This is your Captain speaking. Passengers with a view previously obscured by the wings may have noticed a sudden improvement
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
