Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.

3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵

Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.

3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”

My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?