@anerdonfire2

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

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@0v3rthOught

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

@JKickinit30

*takes big toke of joint*

Waitress: Sir… that’s a burrito.

@rockymomax

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

@novicefather

No Carl, I said “lick her” not wicker. Put the patio furniture away.

@thenatewolf

*Friend is sinking in quicksand*

Get help before I drown!

*I start to run, stop, jog back to friend*

Technically you’re not drow-

NATE!

@Fred_Delicious

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

@donni

When I die, I’m donating my body to Simons. I tell this to every Simon I meet. So far, they’re not into it

@krishna_van

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

@danjan13

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

@BruceForce

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!