The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

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Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied


“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door


[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.


[Check engine light comes on]

Me: *pops hood – checks on engine* well you look great buddy but today did suck, let’s just see if you’re feeling better tomorrow.


The gingham is holding a grudge because burlap and seersucker didn’t invite corduroy to their party.

Social fabric is complex.


Daughter: Anyone there?

Ouija Board: S P O T

Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm

Ouija Board: N O

ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room


It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.


Beauty and the Beast is an introvert’s worst nightmare. You stay home alone miles from people and then the damn dishes start talking to you.