Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
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*takes big toke of joint*
Waitress: Sir… that’s a burrito.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
No Carl, I said “lick her” not wicker. Put the patio furniture away.
*Friend is sinking in quicksand*
Get help before I drown!
*I start to run, stop, jog back to friend*
Technically you’re not drow-
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
When I die, I’m donating my body to Simons. I tell this to every Simon I meet. So far, they’re not into it
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!