@anerdonfire2

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

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@ThugRaccoons

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

@mattZillaaaa

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

@NotMarkAllen

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

@Divergentmama

[Check engine light comes on]

Me: *pops hood – checks on engine* well you look great buddy but today did suck, let’s just see if you’re feeling better tomorrow.

@novicefather

The gingham is holding a grudge because burlap and seersucker didn’t invite corduroy to their party.

Social fabric is complex.

@eff_yeah_steph

Daughter: Anyone there?

Ouija Board: S P O T

Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm

Ouija Board: N O

ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room

@UncleDuke1969

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

@Sarcasticsapien

Beauty and the Beast is an introvert’s worst nightmare. You stay home alone miles from people and then the damn dishes start talking to you.