The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

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Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.


*takes big toke of joint*

Waitress: Sir… that’s a burrito.


HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra


No Carl, I said “lick her” not wicker. Put the patio furniture away.


*Friend is sinking in quicksand*

Get help before I drown!

*I start to run, stop, jog back to friend*

Technically you’re not drow-



“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry


When I die, I’m donating my body to Simons. I tell this to every Simon I meet. So far, they’re not into it


I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.


Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat


Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted