The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
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Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it