The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
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I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”