The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
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I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
