The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
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Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”