Huffington Post says all that passive aggressive behavior can harm your marriage.
In other obvious news, water is wet and the sun is hot.
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(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
*nervously adjusts fedora in Starbucks lineup
I’ll have uh, um, a mediu- I mean vanti, uh, mochacachito?
Patrons: HE’S A FRAUD! GET HIM!!!
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Me: *reclines* Nice
Wife: I still can’t believe you bought a used gynecological exam table
Me: I can see the tv perfectly between my legs
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!