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@CommonSavant

Huffington Post says all that passive aggressive behavior can harm your marriage.

In other obvious news, water is wet and the sun is hot.

@hardlyrelevant

(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”

@GoodZiIIa

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

@baronvonbike

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

@HeyoShellz

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

@karlainvt

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

@caperbc75

*nervously adjusts fedora in Starbucks lineup

I’ll have uh, um, a mediu- I mean vanti, uh, mochacachito?

Patrons: HE’S A FRAUD! GET HIM!!!

@AynRandy

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: *reclines* Nice

Wife: I still can’t believe you bought a used gynecological exam table

Me: I can see the tv perfectly between my legs

@Aikiwomannc

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!