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Huffington Post says all that passive aggressive behavior can harm your marriage.

In other obvious news, water is wet and the sun is hot.


(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”


Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them


I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.


My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich


I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.


*nervously adjusts fedora in Starbucks lineup

I’ll have uh, um, a mediu- I mean vanti, uh, mochacachito?

Patrons: HE’S A FRAUD! GET HIM!!!


this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route


Me: *reclines* Nice

Wife: I still can’t believe you bought a used gynecological exam table

Me: I can see the tv perfectly between my legs


*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.


Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!