The second world war should have been called world war returns
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“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”