When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
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Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”