Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

Glad they’re banning TikTok. It’ll be nice to be reunited with my kids, and see how much they’ve grown over the years.

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂