The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
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Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over