The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
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Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
was Jim off killing horses or…
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
#oldknees
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.