The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
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[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Become ungovernable.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination