The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
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My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
My first child will be named New Folder.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Happy thanksgiving
