The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
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My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I think this cat is broken
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?