The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
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Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”