The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
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the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.