@climaxximus

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

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@Kids_kubed

Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move

@DanMentos

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

@Muggernaught

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

@henchbeaver

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the screenplay for Jurassic Park

@cosmicbibi

Research shows your medication is 879% more effective if you drink a 6 pack and a bottle of wine first. Also, I changed my name to Research.

@OfficialMizGin

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

@Ivsy01

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

@nettie0918

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.