Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
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[first day of work as a 911 operator]
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the screenplay for Jurassic Park
Research shows your medication is 879% more effective if you drink a 6 pack and a bottle of wine first. Also, I changed my name to Research.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.