The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
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I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I might carry a baby with one hand.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I’m giving up ice.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
No. YOU-buprofen.