Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.

Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys

Mom: Where are you?

Me: Mumbai

Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.

Ever think of that??

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!