The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
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Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Become ungovernable.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
.
.
.
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.
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It’s Dublin.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.