The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
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“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I bet the first person that had a flush toilet in their house were mocked by someone saying something like “Ooh, Mr fancy pants is too good to shit in a bucket and throw it out the window. Ooh”
a public service announcement
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
Reminds me of when I was young and the landscaper used to let me run bare feet over the freshly cut grass. Those days are lawn gone.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Establish dominance by retweeting subtweets you know are about you.