The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
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Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Our lord and savoury.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Trying
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids