The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
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I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
A huge thanks to the person that did this
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.