The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
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My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
The “research” scene in every horror movie
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?