The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
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My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
It was worth a shot 😂
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.