The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
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I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Y’all ready for this
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.