The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
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Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!